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01 November 2016 @ 10:12 pm
For Kya  
Because of the date, i thought it would be good to start writing something and send it off as everyone is wishing some good vibes in remembering their loved ones.

This is for my dear friend ah_kya.

It's so hard thinking that i am typing this and that she will get a notification somewhere but not be able to read it again here in this world. It's still really hard to see this through in my mind, as her not being here to have a conversation with. The only thing that makes me happy is that at least i am here mentioning her name, knowing that we were once close friends and i'm so grateful to have had her as my friend.

The most urgent thing i wish to say is that I really hope you knew that you were a dear friend to me and a special one, because you were one of the first i met here on lj, one of the first super junior friends, one of the first spanish speaking/south american friends i made, one of the first friends that i really wished i could visit in another country, one of the first friends I excitedly looked forward to receiving christmas cards from, one of the friends i held very close to my heart for the sweet early kpop memories, one of the first friends who i knew did covers of songs and introduced kpop cover groups to me, one of the first friends who stanned kyu as much as i did. I'm sorry Kya, for never telling you this as I am right now. I'm sorry for never showing this enough or saying this as honestly as I could.

I just want you to know that you made up a good part of what my experience of making friends online, especially kpop ones, and you were a special part of me. I really cherished you as my friend from Chile and i really wished to go out there and visit you one day. I really enjoyed seeing you together with Jun, it was one of my favorite things to see updates of you two together. I enjoyed watching you dance with your friends and all the love you had for the music.

I enjoyed reading all your posts and i enjoyed getting your cards. I was so happy that you were able to see Super Junior and other groups in your country. I am so happy you had those happy memories to take with you.

I always remember how hard you studied, how much you cared for your family, especially your brother, always trying to make a good impression, always trying to be a good friend but we understood that things kept you busy.

I know that after a while, i fell off the super junior fandom and starting university made me get less online and catch up with people. I'm really sorry for not keeping up with you on twitter. I do remember trying to always send you happy birthday on facebook but i just never really liked it. Either way, I still feel sad that i didn't get to talk to you before you left. I feel sad because i feel that i could have said more, i feel that i probably seemed like i didn't care anymore.

I did care though. I just had a bad way of showing it and im sorry. I will never forget when the big earthquake hit in chile and i was so worried for all of you. I cried so hard but was happy when i found out you guys were okay.

Still, years from then, things where happening with you, and I wasn't even aware. All this time, i thought you had just fallen out of the fandom and just left social media completely. It wasn't only until Jun mentioned you again and I asked what happened, naively thinking you had just gone away for a long time but never could have imagined what happened.

I still don't know the details but even then, I was confused to say the least but mostly hurt because I couldn't tell you all this anymore. I really wanted to show you how much I actually cared and cherished you. I am trying to send this off right now to you, wherever you are, to please know that I don't feel any confusion anymore, or feel betrayed, or don't judge you in any way, i understand how hard it could have been, it was your decision and i love you with all my heart. I will always remember your kindness and generous words. You always made me feel safe and happy. I want you to know that I will keep your memory alive and will always keep your cards close to me and all your comments and all your posts and everything we talked about to each other will be eternal.

I hope that you are now resting, that you are ok, that you know that I love you as a true friend, even from afar, i want you to be okay and to not be afraid. Please find your way if you haven't, know that i'm still here for you, as long as i live, i will keep you close and will always think of you when i hear super junior.

for some weeks, i couldn't even listen to them because i would break down crying but it's okay now. i just really do miss you and more than anything wish i could tell you what i feel. i just don't wish for you to have left thinking everyone left you or didn't care about you. i did, i really did.

right now, i'm just working, hoping to find a way to help people, i was able to buy a car finally, i graduated from uni, got my bachelor's, i got into shinhwa, i still scream for shinee and onew, i got to see some of my favorite bands, my mom is okay, i am hoping to move us to another place. I found your cards, they are still my favorite thing and i hold them dear.

Katherine, i'm trying my best to let you go and say goodbye. It's still so hard for me because you just have always existed somewhere from afar and i was thinking you were doing so well and succeeding. Right now you are just resting and i don't want to continue trying to bring you back or pretend like you are here. I will keep trying my best kya and I want to say that i love you lots, that you are still my friend forever, and that I'll see you sometime again i hope, goodbye from this side kya. Please know that I'm still here keeping your memory alive.

I hold nothing against you in the circumstances you left. I just hope you aren't suffering anymore. That you are at peace and finding your way. Kya stay safe and i'll always keep talking to you kya. I won't say goodbye and leave, i will say goodbye because i have to let you go from here. I'll still talk to you through prayer and through remembrance on your birthday, your anniversary of passing on, and on special days like today when everyone is remembering their loved ones. Anytime i hear super junior or see kpop related things, i will remember you.

Kya, thank you for everything, for your kindness, for yours listening skills, for your expressiveness, for caring for all your friends, for all your graphics that i still have saved on my computer because they were all masterpieces to me, for your smiles in your pictures, for your words, for your window to your country and view on the world, for your love, for your wishes, for being a part of my life. im so happy to have talked to you in the short time we shared together on this world.

I found one of the few pictures you uploaded to twitter. It's a Polaroid of you with your bro. It's one of my favorites. You are posing alone and then are hugging your brother. I always have those images of you, looking out for your brother and loving him a lot. I hope he's doing ok now and I'm sure he will always remember the loving sister that you were. The fact that you left that impression on me just shows how amazing you were as a sister ok.

Kya thank you so much and i hope my words reached you, i hope you know how i felt and how i will continue feeling forever. that i'm saying goodbye but i'll still be here thinking. I don't want to continue trying to piece together what happened or what i could have done to make things better, at the end of the day, this was your decision and i just want you know, that i understand. I can't imagine the pain you went through but i want you to know that it's okay and that i'm sorry for not sending as much support as i would have wanted to. Kya please don't forget me. I hope with all my heart that you will remember me as one of your friends. That you will know how much you mean to me. thank you, i miss you so much, so so so much and love you lots.


I hope that even when you rest, you can still see the blue ocean you loved and to always know that we where there from the beginning with you <3

Current Mood: contemplativecontemplative
(no subject) - eugene79152 on November 17th, 2016 12:45 am (UTC) (Expand)